His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
