she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
