Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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