god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
me + whiskey = a bad person
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
