I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
