why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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