I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize