It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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