So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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