So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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