Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
how does that bad decision feel?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
