She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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