There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize