I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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