At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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