You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize