He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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