everyone is single if you try hard enough
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
then he tried to convert me to islam
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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