if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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