I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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