i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize