He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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