he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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