It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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