just tell him i said nine months
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
