i already hear my dad disowning me
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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