My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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