I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I want her autograph on my taint
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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