i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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