I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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