YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
