You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
