Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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