my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
