1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
