so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
