I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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