I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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