when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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