Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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