What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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