3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
are you so shy because you have an std?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
