allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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