Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize