respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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