I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
