my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
