bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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