When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
