So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize