i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
