You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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