Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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