so explain again why im purple
no
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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