a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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