I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
