I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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