Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
