just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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