I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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